


Stargazing

by Santaanawinds



Series: I love you to the moon, and sun, and stars [2]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-19 15:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11900856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Santaanawinds/pseuds/Santaanawinds
Summary: Prequel to 'You don't gotta put a ring on it'.You can only look at the sun for a moment, but you can look at the moon all night; and if you pay close attention to the stars, sometimes you see a constellation.





	1. 1

  
Spencer was the first one Zack fell for. As they all gathered round to sing 'Happy Birthday' to Brendon on the night of his 21st, Zack thought he both loved and hated Jon and Ryan for this new hippy/Beatles direction they'd taken the band in, because were it not for that, he would not be standing here, noticing Spencer right now.   
  
He'd turned toward Zack during the song and he'd been caught by the golden evening light, looking just beautiful enough to stop his heart for a good couple of seconds, and turn his 'Happy Birthday, dear Brendon' into an awful off-key whine that petered out to silence. That image of Spencer smiling right at him, singing along even though he protested that 'drummers don't sing', would forever be the image that came to mind whenever he thought the word 'Spencer'. He realized he was staring, closed his jaw and joined in the 'hip-hip hooray's before anyone could notice that he'd officially just fallen in love.   
  
No, he wasn't in love. Because 30 year old security guards don't fall for the 20 year old rock stars they're working for. Not even 20 year old rock stars who'd really grown up, filling out their shoulders, and growing out their hair...growing a beard that Zack wondered about if it would scratch him when they kissed. _What are you, twelve? It's a crush. A pathetic little crush._ He hopes beyond all else that it goes away the moment they can't shower for a few days and the bus smells like a locker room. But somehow, the hot, sweaty, greasy haired hippy look really does it for him, and he finds himself mopping up the drool before he gets busted oogling the poor kid on more than one occasion.   
  
When they’re out in South Africa and he catches himself still thinking about Spencer, he thinks about how badly he needs to get over him. The kid has a house and a girlfriend and a dog, and he's so happy that sometimes Zack melts just thinking about it. Then he reprimands himself and gets on with it. He find solace in his (now slightly less inappropriate) attraction to Brendon instead. Everyone crushes on the front man. That's practically the rules in this business. Nothing strange about that at all.   
  
Life goes on, and the band breaks up. It sucked at the time, but now the guys were getting back into the swing of it, hiring some new musicians. He has an awkward conversation with some shy little bassist that for some reason, thinks he’s Brendon’s boyfriend, and that’s the one they end up sticking with. The guitarist is some kid from the Cab who won’t say a word when Zack’s around.   
  
He’s hanging around with them at the studio one day and he can’t understand why Spencer would attack him when he could be watching Brendon in the vocal booth instead. He’s singing ‘always’ with his eyes closed and heart on his sleeve. Next up, he knows, is that song about his girlfriend. Sarah’s nice, but is she Brendon worthy? Does she know he can only have so many redbulls in an afternoon before he’s up ‘til three am? Does she know what to do when his anxiety is surfacing and he’s about to freak out or puke?   
  
‘Go make your move already, for God’s sake. I couldn’t care less if you two are into each other, but watching you pine is just pathetic. You obviously love each other, so do something about it.’   
‘What? No, I don’t. He’s with Sarah.’ Zack’s kind of annoyed right now that Spencer’s taking his attention away from Brendon right now, who looks like an absolute angel.  
‘Sarah and I agree. We’re both fed up with watching you dance around each other, and she told me she’d be okay with it if either of you ever brought it up. Just go talk to him already. You’re bugging the shit out of the rest of us.’ Spencer was mad at him? Had he noticed Zack’s feelings for him and was pushing him towards Brendon to forget about him? Well, fine. They’d go ‘talk’ and Spencer could get over the bug up his ass.   
  
As soon as the headphones are off Brendon’s head, Zack marches into the booth, grabs him by the scruff off the neck, and drags him outside to the empty parking lot out the back.   
‘Dude, what the hell? I’m working.’  
‘Spencer’s pissed off, and I don’t feel like dealing with him nagging me right now.’  
‘How is this going to fix it?’  
‘Just tell him that I told you, okay?’  
‘Told me what?’  
‘It doesn’t matter. Just tell him that I told you and to lay the fuck off already.’   
‘Not until you tell me what the hell’s going on.’  
‘He’s picked up on something that doesn’t even matter and he told me to do something about it. I need him to think that I have.’   
‘What though? Is it serious?’ The singer was getting worried.   
‘He sort of thinks I’m in love with you.’  
‘Oh.’ The surprise is evident on Brendon’s face.   
‘And that you’re in love with me.’   
‘Oh.’   
‘Which is obviously ridiculous. We work together, that’s all.’  
‘Oh.’ This ‘oh’ is different. It sounds like disappointment, if that were a one syllable word.   
  
‘Unless it’s not so ridiculous and he was actually on to something?’ A spark, a small flicker of hope erupts into flames in his chest.   
‘Uh, uh, yeah. I thought he didn’t know. I didn’t think anyone knew.’ He’s brick red in the face.   
‘That you’re in love with me?’ He hopes he isn’t wearing his hope on his sleeve, here.   
‘I love Sarah too, that isn’t, that’s for real, I just. We have an open relationship, there’s just never been anyone to really be open with.’   
‘What are you saying?’  
‘I’m saying that yeah, I’m totally in love with you. But it’s your fault for always screwing around with me, carrying me around on your shoulders and never treating me like a kid who didn’t know what they were doing.’   
‘You WERE a kid who didn’t know what they were doing.’   
‘Yeah, but, you never made me feel that way. I’ve spent the last 4 years trying to impress you, trying to keep that image of me in your eyes. I mean, clearly, you saw something in me that no one else did. I liked that.’ He’d noticed that low level of strange, guilty attraction that had always been bubbling just below his skin? Now it was Zack’s turn to blush.   
  
‘I didn’t think anyone noticed that. Hell, I don’t think I did half the time.’   
  
‘So, what happens now? I mean, do we go on pretending like we don’t know, or?’ Good question.   
‘Do you want that?’  
‘No.’  
‘If you don’t want to work with me anymore, I get it. I’ll quit and Pete will get me a job with the next baby band he picks up out of Nowheresville, USA. No hard feelings.’  
‘No. I don’t want that either.’   
‘Then what DO you want?’ Brendon stands there, rubbing his neck, and the blush hasn’t faded from either of their faces.   
  
‘Don’t punch me.’ He darts in, brushes his lips against Zack’s in the world’s quickest peck, then flattens himself back against the wall. ‘I just wanted to know what that felt like.’ Zack knows he’s risking his job, but he steps closer, wraps his arms around Brendon and kisses him for real.   
‘Don’t fire me,’ he breathes, ‘I just wanted to know what that felt like.’ Foreheads touching, they look directly into each other’s eyes and know that the decision has been made for them. They can’t go back. They don’t want to go back. Now they get to move forward, together.   
  
Brendon pulls out his phone and makes a call.   
‘Sarah, hey. Come out to dinner with me? There’s someone you need to meet.’ When the call is done, he slides his phone into his pocket and wraps his arms around Zack’s neck. ‘You weren’t working tonight, were you?’  
‘Uhh, I think I had a dinner meeting with the boss. You want me to cancel?’ Zack slides his hands to Brendon’s back, pulling him as close as possible.   
‘Don’t you dare.’ He goes to respond, something witty at the tip of his tongue, but gets side tracked by Brendon’s mouth on his, and yeah, he thinks he’d rather not talk right now.   
  
If he’s expecting a satisfied smirk on Spencer’s face when they return to the studio a good half an hour later, he’s disappointed. He does put on a smile when Brendon whispers in his ear, obviously something about he and Zack just now in the parking lot, but if Zack didn’t know better, he’d say it was forced.   
  
Dinner goes well with Sarah. They really do have an open relationship, and she’s happy for them to be together. When he offers to keep it out of her face, she smiles ‘Nah, don’t worry about it. I don’t have a problem with us all hanging out. I mean, you say that like you’re the other man.’ They don’t always hang out together after that, but he finds one day that he’s beginning to want to. He talks to Brendon one night on his couch.  
  
‘What is it about Sarah that makes you feel like a kid and a perv at the same time. You get that, right?’ He hoped he wasn’t overstepping.   
‘Yeah, ' he'd said 'why do you think I love her so much? It's kind of maternal and sexy all at once.’ Being Brendon, he had to add, ‘But not like a MILF though.'  
‘It doesn’t bother you that your boyfriend’s into your girlfriend?’   
‘Pfft, no. That’s like every guy’s dream. Or, y’know, those of us who are into that. You think she’d go for a threesome?’ Damn Brendon and his kinky ideas. That thought was going to be stuck permanently to the back of his mind now. He nearly choked on thin air when Sarah came back with the next round of beers.   
‘What? Do I have something on my face? Brendon, what’s wrong with him? Did you break Zack?’   
‘He’s fine. He was just telling me about his raging hard-on for you and how he’d totally be up for a threesome.’   
‘Can’t have one if you’re already dead!’ He lunges for the singer, intent on tickling him until he can’t breathe, but he moves just a little too slow and his fingers catch the air.   
  
‘You love me.’ He looks so confident, standing all the way across the room.   
‘Loved you a lot more ten seconds ago.’ He lunges again for Brendon and this time, catches him, wrestling him to the floor. They dissolve into giggles and kisses, and both Brendon and Sarah are nice enough not to point out that he’s red in the face.   
‘Did you really mean that Zack? I mean, it might be fun.’ Now Sarah’s the one who’s nervous.   
‘You serious? Don’t be fucking with me here.’ He tries not to sound like he’s pleading, but the last thing he needs is for this to be a joke that he’ll never live down.   
‘She’s not kidding. That’s her serious face. She really means it, and so do I.’ Brendon has never NOT been up for a threesome in his entire life.   
‘Yeah. I meant it.’ He doesn’t know what’s happening exactly, but he’s through questioning when good things come into his life.  
  
Afterwards, when they’re still basking in the glow (okay, the sweat. There’s a lot of sweat involved in a threesome), Sarah decides to ask.   
‘So, have you always been poly, or did we turn you?’ Brendon looks very interested in the answer. Truth is he’s always had enough love in his heart. For Brendon, for Sarah, hell, for Spencer, and he doesn’t even know Zack’s alive. He’s always been able to love more than one person. He’s just never had the chance to express that before.   
‘I don’t know. I’ve loved lots of people. You’re just the first time that more than one of them has loved me back.’   
‘Aww, we took your virginity? Why didn’t you say so? We would have made it special.’ Brendon teases.   
‘That’s not special? I thought the first time was supposed to suck.’ Zack admits it. He’s impressed by what just transpired.   
‘Please, with that little trick of yours, you’re no virgin.’ Sarah calls him out.   
‘I was a threesome virgin until about, oh, an hour ago.’   
‘A 33 year old who’s never had a threesome. You poor thing. If I could move, I’d start helping you make up for all the lost time.’  
‘Ok, drama queen. Shut up and sleep. After sex is the time for a nap.’ Zack drops an arm around Brendon, kisses his shoulder.   
‘Agreed,’ Sarah says, slipping out of bed and walking around to climb in next to Zack. ‘Whether or not we keep you depends on how well you cuddle.’ She jokes, throwing an arm over his belly and snuggling down into his chest. With the way she falls asleep so quickly, he thinks he’s got nothing to worry about.  
  
They’re rehearsing for the upcoming tour now that they’ve finally finished recording the new album and Sarah stops by to bring them some lunch. Her new hobby is cooking, and with the amount of food network she watches, it’s no surprise that she’s cooked enough for a small army. Zack helps her bring it in from the car, and when they put the last plate of fresh, warm bread on the table by the donuts and coffee left over from that morning, Brendon pecks him on the cheek. The glare he receives when Spencer sees is brutal.  
  
‘Hey Dallon.’ Zack grabs him as he passes, if not only because he’s the first person he sees.   
‘Yeah?’   
‘Why is Spencer so pissed at me? He’s had a bug up his ass for a while now, but this is taking it to a whole new level.’ Spencer was now pointedly refusing to look at Zack at all.   
‘I can’t tell you.’ He doesn’t wither at the glare Zack gives him, but he decides to take pity. Clearly, Zack is bothered by the cold shoulder he’s receiving. ‘Look, you didn’t hear this from me, okay?’ He waits for Zack to nod. ‘He’s jealous. I was beginning to wonder if ‘This Green Gentleman’ was actually about him. That would explain a few things.’  
‘Like what?’  
‘Sorry, I’ve said enough. Spencer’s my boss, and I want to keep it that way.’ The bassist turns to get himself some lunch. ‘Great cooking, Sarah.’   
  
He talks to Brendon and Sarah that night over a couple of beers.   
‘What’s Spencer’s deal? He’s like, angry at me all the time. Dallon said something about him being jealous, but that doesn’t make any sense. He just got out of a relationship with Haley.’ Brendon and Sarah take one look at each other and crack up. Zack would like to know which part of him being permanently at the receiving end of Spencer’s passive aggression was so funny.   
‘We were wondering if you were ever going to notice that.’ Sarah gets out.   
‘Notice what? That he tries to burn a hole in me with his eyes every time I see him? Yeah, noted. Thanks.’ Zack’s not happy.   
‘Spencer’s been in love with you since he was 18.’ Brendon has to be kidding. Yet, when the older man looks at him, he’s completely serious. Not the deadpan look that comes before a ‘haha we totally had you!’, but a slightly sadder, more genuine look, that he hasn’t seen since Brendon told him Ryan and Jon were leaving. He chokes for real this time.   
  
Sarah pounds on his back.   
‘You okay?’  
‘Yeah, fine, I just…Spencer? Why didn’t anyone tell me?’ His heart hurts. He wished it were a physical pain so he could take something, go to bed and wake up in the morning feeling fine. His head spinning, he thinks he’s probably had enough beer.   
‘He liked you the moment he saw you. He tried to keep it professional because he didn’t know what else he could say to you without making a fool of himself,’ Brendon started. He really hoped Spencer would forgive him for this, ‘he said he thought there was a moment once, between the two of you. But nothing ever came of it, and then you fell in love with us instead. He was humiliated; but he told me to go for it if you made me happy. You do.’ He spoke quietly.  
  
Zack thinks back to that night. The secret little smile that had he not known better, would have sworn was just for him. Oh shit.   
‘I know what he’s talking about.’   
‘What?’ The surprise is written on Brendon’s face.   
‘The night of your 21st. We were singing happy birthday, and…I thought I imagined it.’  
‘You thought you imagined singing happy birthday?’ Sarah’s lost.   
‘No. The moment. I thought it was just my imagination. He turned towards me and the light just caught him. He looked…he smiled at me and that was the moment I knew I was I was in love with him.’  
‘Excuse me? You’re in love with Spencer?’ Zack gets defensive. He doesn’t like it when other people tell him his own secrets.   
‘It was a crush, a pathetic little crush. I knew he could never love me back. Have you ever seen him with a guy?’  
‘I don’t have to. I’ve seen him looking at you. Why do you think he only ever dated Haley?’ _What does SHE have to do with it?_  
‘They broke up.’   
‘Exactly. She was tired of watching him pine.’  
‘You’re kidding. That’s what he said to me about you.’  
  
‘Ok, so all I’m getting here is that Spencer’s a hypocrite and you’re totally in love with him, too.’ Sarah points out.   
‘Maybe, yeah. Ok fine, I’m head over fucking heels for him, alright? Are we done talking about my emotions now? Can’t we just go to bed?’  
‘Uh-uh. Not until you promise that tomorrow you’re going to talk to him, and clean this mess up. You love him, he loves you. There’s no reason you shouldn’t go for it.’ She really means that too. If they weren’t who they were, it’d be weird to see Sarah pushing her boyfriend towards another man. One of them, anyway.   
‘I’m with you. I LOVE both of you.’ He doesn’t want to want Spencer. He wants to be happy with the partners he has. He’s gotten lucky twice, can he really keep pushing? How far can he go until the universe takes them all away as some kind of karma balancing act so that he’s not too happy for long?   
‘So? That doesn’t mean you can’t love Spence too. You wouldn’t be the only one.’ Brendon confesses.   
‘What happens to us?’ Zack’s a little scared.   
‘Whatever you want to happen. We still want you, this doesn’t change that.’ Sarah said.   
‘We’re not telling you to go after him and leave us. You can have us all. Unless Spencer doesn’t want you to. Then, I don’t know what happens.’ Brendon’s worrying for nothing. Zack’s not going to give up a good thing, no matter how much he loves Spencer and how long he’s waited in the wings.  
‘Ok. I’ll talk to him.’

 


	2. 2

It’s lunchtime before he can pull Spencer away. He’s headed towards the Italian food that Sarah’s been cooking all morning and is not happy to be grabbed by the wrist and dragged off.   
‘Was there glass in that food?’ Spencer’s shifting his weight, eyebrow raised and his arms crossed. All the warning signs he has for ‘don’t piss me off’. Zack chooses to ignore them.   
‘No. What?’  
‘Well you pulled me away so fast I can only assume my life was in danger. If not, I’m going to eat. In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s like 3 o clock and I’m starving.’ He wanted to eat quickly and return to work so he could get across the ballad by this evening. There were a couple of slight differences playing live.   
  
Zack takes a deep breath and dives straight in.   
‘Why did you tell me to talk to Brendon if you were in love with me, too?’  
‘What?’ He tries to feign ignorance. Zack’s facial expression tells him that hasn’t worked. He sighs. ‘I’m going to kill him.’   
‘No, don’t, I just. Why? Why not say something to me?’  
‘What about? A moment three years ago that could have been anything? What’s the use in that? You’re obviously in love with B, so why would you even mention this now?’   
‘Brendon and Sarah.’  
‘What?’  
‘I’m in love with Brendon AND Sarah. And, coincidentally, you. I know the moment you were talking about. It was B’s birthday. You ruined my note in the song. I didn’t even care because just looking at you made my heart stop. The way you were looking at…whatever you were looking at. I thought for a second it might have been me.’  
‘It was. But that doesn’t matter now. You’re in love with them, and they’re in love you with you.’   
‘They know how I feel. But do you?’ Spencer stares him down, saying nothing, and Zack gets mad. ‘You’re a hypocrite, Smith! You tell me to stop pining and do something about it, but then someone tells you the same thing and you’re too gutless to do anything about it!’ Spencer steps forward and kisses him in the most violent way possible, wiping his mouth as he steps back.   
‘There. I did something. Screw you.’ Spencer scuffs up his new converse sneakers as he walks back into the practice space. Zack has no idea what just went wrong, he just stands there and watches him go.   
  
‘I thought you were going to talk to him.’ Brendon says as Spencer’s taking some time to beat the shit out of his kit. He’s broken a couple of sticks already, too.   
‘I did. I told him everything. He got angry and kissed me, and then he stormed off before I could ask him out properly. I think he hates me more now.’   
  
Brendon walks up to the kit, takes a blow to the hand grabbing one of Spencer’s sticks mid movement, and gains his attention.   
‘I don’t know what happened out there, but Zack was supposed to be telling you he loves you.’   
‘He did.’ Spencer makes to start drumming again, but Brendon holds the stick out behind him. As these are the backups, Spencer’s going to have to talk to him if he wants it back.   
‘You didn’t let him finish. He wanted to ask you something. But could you please just talk to him? He’s like Bogart at the dog park that time none of the other dogs would play with him.’ Spencer looks over at Zack and sees the resemblance.   
‘Ok, fine. Let me finish this run through of the ballad and then send him over.’ He wasn’t kidding about getting across ‘mona lisa’ by tonight. He looked pointedly at Brendon, eyebrow raised threateningly until Brendon beamed and handed over his drumstick.   
  
‘He says go see him at the end of this song. I’d make your point quickly though. He’s still really pissed off.’   
‘About what?’ Zack’s question is punctuated by Spencer managing to snap his third stick this afternoon. It’s a new record, and there’s no way he can drum now. The only sticks he has left are at his place, and it’s going to take over an hour to get there and back. Zack wonders if new drumsticks will make a good peace offering. He knows there’s a pair Spencer’s had his eye on for a while. ‘Stall him. Give him a tambourine or something, I’ll be back.’   
  
He goes to the music shop not far from where they practice and sees they have the same ones in stock, next to a case that’s velvet lined and totally unnecessary, considering Spencer is a working musician who constantly uses his equipment. He buys it anyway and gets the silver plate on it engraved ‘Spencer James Smith’ in cursive writing. His wallet considerably lighter, he calls Brendon to make sure Spencer hasn’t left.   
‘He’s gone home to get his drumsticks. It’s ok though, I can keep him there. I’ll tell him rehearsal is cancelled. You probably don’t want an audience anyway.’   
‘Thanks, B.’   
  
He drives straight over to Spencer’s place, drumstick case on the passenger seat, and wonders if the ribbon was going a little too far, then he remembers that it’s as much a romantic gesture as anything else. He hides the case behind his back as he knocks on Spence’s door.   
‘Yeah?’   
‘Nice to see you too. You didn’t let me finish before.’  
‘So Brendon said. What’s up?’ Apparently, he’s decided to remove the bug up his ass.   
‘I have something for you first.’ He hands over the box.   
‘Is this a peace offering or a romantic gesture?’  
‘Both. You’ve had your eye on these for a while now. Plus, you kind of needed them when I bought them.’ Spencer runs his fingers over the engraving on the case and opens it. He smiles brightly, and Zack’s breath is taken away for just a moment.   
‘They’re beautiful, thank you.’   
‘So, am I forgiven? For whatever it is that I’ve done?’  
‘Yeah. Coming in?’ Spencer stands aside and lets Zack in. He gets them both a drink and they sit on the couch. Spencer’s sat the box on the coffee table and finds it hard to tear his eyes away.   
‘So, obviously, I don’t have a clue. What did I do?’  
  
‘Imagine falling in love with a guy, waiting two years for so much as a moment, and then you finally get that moment and nothing happens. He falls for your best friend, and they end up together. Then in the course of a day, he tells you he’s with your best friend’s girlfriend too, and he’s been in love with you and never made a move.’  
‘Spencer, I-‘  
‘Imagine knowing you pushed them together because neither of them knew you were alive. They say there’s nothing worse than watching the one you love, love someone else. How about watching the ones you love, love each other? So now, you’re not only burning with jealously, but you have to pretend to be happy for them, too.’   
‘Spencer, I don’t know what to say.’  
‘How about why you never made a move? It was so easy to make you do something about B…and Sarah, apparently. Why not me?’ He sounds so dejected, and Zack feels awful. He never thought about it that way.  
  
‘Because it was a moment. A beautiful moment, but just a moment. I never thought it could be anything more. You were a 20 year old rock star with the world at his feet, and I was the 30 year old security guard working for him. There’s no way you could have wanted me, that that could work.’   
‘B’s 23. Why does that work?’ He’s not even bothering to argue.   
‘I don’t know. It just does. You’re the one who showed me that was possible. Y’know, I thought you were riding me so hard about that ‘coz you’d found out how I felt about you and didn’t feel the same.’  
‘At the time, I was just sick of watching you two love each other from afar. Like, here I was, and neither of you wanted me, yet you wanted each other and you weren’t doing anything about it. I was hurt. Then I got tired of being hurt and I got angry. Really angry.’   
‘If you were so angry, why did you kiss me, anyway? When I told you to do something about it?’   
‘I guess I wanted to know what that was like and I figured that was the one time you wouldn’t punch my lights out for it.’  
‘How was it? Worth waiting all that time for?’   
‘I don’t know. I was too busy being angry and it was over really quick.’   
‘So, if you could do it again, would you?’ Zack shifts a little closer to Spencer on the couch. Spencer, however, leans back and puts out a hand.  
  
‘What would your partners say?’  
‘They’d say it’s about fucking time I pulled my head out of my ass and did something about it. Apparently, they knew how you felt and thought I was being intentionally oblivious. If I’d had any idea that you’d wanted me to, I would have told you three years ago, that day when the a/c on the bus kicked out and none of us had showered in a week.’ It had been the middle of a heat wave, and the exact day he realized that his feelings for Spencer weren’t going away just because he wanted them to.   
‘I’m glad you didn’t.’  
‘What?’  
‘Literally drenched in sweat is not my idea of romance. At least wait ‘til we get to a mini mart with a pedestal fan or something.’ Spencer’s sticking his tongue out and smiling at Zack.   
‘You didn’t answer my question.’  
‘Which was? I’m too busy remembering that summer. You took us out of the hotel at one in the morning to go blow stuff up on the beach.’   
‘You didn’t have a good time that night?’ Zack would argue that the look on Spencer’s face was totally worth all the shit he would have gotten into, had they been caught.   
‘I had a great time. Still don’t remember the question though.’ There’s a smile playing at his lips.   
‘The question was, Spencer Smith, can I kiss you again?’   
  
Spencer is an asshole. In fact, there is no bigger asshole then Spencer James Smith in at least the Northern Hemisphere. He actually pretends to think about it.   
‘Hmmm, can the guy I’ve been in love with since I was 18, who’s confessed his love for me, with the blessing of his partners, kiss me again? Hmm, that’s a tough one. God, I really don’t know.’ He looks so serious for a moment that Zack swears he’s going to say ‘no’ and tell him to get lost. Then, Spencer’s lips are on his, a soft, closed-mouth kiss. He thinks his heart might just explode. He brings his hands up to Spencer’s shoulders like they’re in middle school getting their braces stuck together. Zack goes in for another kiss before leaning back.  
  
‘So, I take it that’s a yes?’ The drummer nods, blue eyes sparkling.   
‘Brendon said you wanted to ask me something?’  
‘Yeah, will you go out on a date with me? I mean, you’ll need to meet my partners first,’ Zack jokes, ‘but they’ll love you, I’m sure.’   
‘So, you’re like, actually asking me out? You just bought me a present, kissed me and confessed your love for me, and now you want to take me out on like, an actual date?’  
‘Yeah. Is that okay?’  
‘I think the 18 year old Spencer just died a little inside, but yeah, yeah that’s okay. You have no idea how I feel right now.’ Spencer’s pinching himself like he can’t believe it’s actually happening.   
‘I think I do. Get ready, dress nice. I’ll come pick you up at 7, okay?’  
‘How nice?’ Zack looks him up and down appreciatively.   
‘On second thoughts, wear those tight black jeans of yours. They look good.’ Spencer honest to god blushes. As Zack leaves, he calls Sarah.   
‘Yeah, I told him. It went well, listen, I’ve got a plan…’   
  
Spencer spends an hour combing his hair, gelling it and trying to make it look perfect. On the inside, 23 year old Spencer feels a sense of enouement-the bitter sweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how it turned out, but not being able to tell your past self. In this case though, 18 year old Spencer was alive somewhere inside him and trying to give him fashion advice. He decides that 18 year old Spencer didn’t have a clue, and wears a black button up shirt over the black jeans, hoping he’s neither too casual nor too dressed up. Then, Zack is there to pick him up.   
‘Hey.’  
‘Hey.’  
‘You look good. Ready?’   
‘Yeah, thanks. So do you.’ Spencer pretends he’s not drying his palms on his jeans.   
  
It turns out they’re eating at Chateau de Hall. Zack’s talked Sarah into cooking for him “I burn water” and Brendon’s been there setting up the ‘ambience’ or something. Either way, there’s candles on every non-flammable surface, and some that definitely are. It’s pretty romantic.   
‘It’s ok, Spence, we’re going. We should have left five minutes ago, but we didn’t want to burn the house down while Zack was gone.’ Before Spencer can insist that it’s okay, Sarah grabs Brendon and is gone.   
Zack checks on the food. Five more minutes. He turns up the stereo and asks Spencer to dance.   
‘Drummers don’t dance.’   
‘They don’t sing either, but there was that one time I seem to recall…’ Zack’s argument is only light hearted.   
‘You got me there.’ Spencer steps closer, puts a hand on Zack’s shoulder, and lets him take the other one in his. Neither of them really knows what they’re doing, but it’s enough to sway slowly in circles, Zack’s hand on Spencer’s waist like middle school kids at a dance.  
  
‘Ok, so, this is nice. Private room, decent background music, nice lighting…’   
‘I thought it was better than some public restaurant where we might have to deal with fans. I wanted you to myself tonight.’  
‘You even got a chef. I’m impressed. But I have to ask, why would you trust Brendon with fire?’ He’s only teasing. Though, he thinks, there was that incident on the bus that one time...  
‘There weren’t any marshmallows around.’   
‘You must be reading my mind.’ The younger man smiles, resting his head on Zack’s shoulder as they sway. It’s a lovely moment, _There’s that word again_  Spencer thinks, interrupted only by the oven timer going off. Zack pulls himself away to save the food before hours of Sarah’s hard work goes down the toilet.   
  
It’s a great meal, and by the end of desert and a bottle of wine, Spencer’s agreed to meet Brendon and Sarah as Zack’s other partners for real. They’ve talked between themselves all night, and they’ve decided this is what they want. No testing the waters, they’re jumping right in. Like Zack, Spencer knows nothing about polyamory. He just knows that he loves more than one person, and he knows it can work if they want it to.   
  
  


 


	3. 3

It’s a surprise to them when another love comes into their lives, totally by mistake, but an accidental miracle. They’re having a few days home together at Sarah and B’s during the summer of the Vices and Virtues tour, and Sarah mentions that she’s invited a friend to hang out with them.   
‘I wanted to introduce my best friend to my lovers, and my lovers to her. It’s okay, she knows who you are and doesn’t care. Besides, she’s already promised that when she goes to the press with a dirty little expose, we’re going to split the money 50/50.’ She jokes. It’s the perfect time for the doorbell to ring and for them to straighten up and pretend to be normal for a second.   
‘Hey guys, come in here.’ Sarah calls from the hall. They follow and catch sight of a pretty, petite blonde. ‘Guys, this is Linda. Linda, these are the guys. My guys.’ They step forward to introduce themselves properly.   
  
‘Wait, wait, wait. I’ve heard so much about you guys, I’ll bet I can tell you who’s who without any of you introducing yourselves.’ She studies them for a minute, then points to the brunette with the dark eyes. ‘You’re busting to tell me your name. You must be Brendon.’ He nods and shakes her hand. She turns slowly to the other two. ‘Technically here, there’s a 50/50 shot, but I’m guessing the scary looking one that’s secretly a marshmallow is Zack,’ he nods, ‘which obviously leaves Spencer. You’re not at all like Sarah described.’   
‘How did she describe me?’   
‘Moody and brooding, with a smile like the sun on a cloudy day. Hidden most of the time, but when it comes out it’s a beautiful day.’   
‘That must have been her poetry phase.’ Spencer smiled.   
‘But I see she was right.’ It wasn’t a come on, Linda really was just a ray of sunshine, handing out compliments left, right and center. ‘So, what did she tell you about me?’   
  
‘Poor Linda, I’ve been talking her ear off about you for months. We’ll have to have her over sometime.’ Brendon’s impression of Sarah was spot on.   
‘My friend Linda was saying the funniest thing today…she never finished that sentence. She was always laughing too hard.’ Zack confesses.   
‘Apparently the same kind of gushing she was doing to you.’ Spencer sums up. They watch Aladdin (sing every single word) and talk about going to Disney tomorrow, since they have the next couple days off. They discover that Linda’s never been.   
  
‘That’s sacrilege!’ Brendon cried dramatically.   
‘You should come with us. It’ll be fun.’ Spencer offered.   
‘Oh, I don’t want to crash your date. You’ve been on the road for months.’ She meant that too. Linda was never one to impose.   
‘No, really, it’s fine. I should have thought of that. We’ve got spare tickets anyway. We can lose the boys in tomorrowland and go meet Minnie Mouse.’ Sarah wondered why she didn’t ask her to begin with.   
‘We’re not going to miss the chance to see your ‘first time at Disney’ face. That’s a magical moment right there.’ Zack remembered Brendon’s, and wished he’d snapped a photo.   
‘Ok, then. I’ll come. If you’re absolutely sure I’m not crashing.’   
‘No. Go home, get some clothes, come back and sleep here tonight. Your place is too far to drive from if we want to get in early.’ Sarah made a good point.  
‘Alright then. I’ll be back.’ She left to get her clothes and while she was gone, they started in on poor Spencer.   
  
See, Spencer watched Zack fall in love with Brendon, Sarah watched Brendon fall in love with Zack, and now here they were, getting to watch Spencer fall in love with Linda.  
‘You like her.’ Brendon says in his ear.   
‘What? Linda? No I don’t. I mean, she’s great, but…’  
‘You’re totally smitten with her. You haven’t taken your eyes off of her since she walked in.’ Sarah dared him to argue.   
‘Ok, maybe she’s cute. But I’m into brunettes and guys with shaved heads, not bubbly little blondes.’  
‘Spence, come on. This is us you’re talking to. Besides, do you know what it’s like to see your ‘falling in love’ face and know that you once looked at me like that?’ Zack doesn’t look hurt though, he looks happy. So happy.   
‘I still look at you like that. Because I’m still in love with you. And you, and you.’ He punctuates each ‘you’ with a peck on the lips to each of his partners, his way of trying to assure them they’re first before all else in his life.  
‘We’re not saying you aren’t. We’re saying, you like her, and that’s okay. But, go for it. Let’s not sit around for the next few years watching you pine instead. There’s been enough of that between the three of you.’   
‘Do you even know how she feels about polyamory?’ Spencer counters Sarah’s argument.   
‘Why don’t you just ask her? Get her alone on the tea cup ride and see how she feels about three dudes and a girl?’ Brendon is not known for his planning skills.   
‘What have you got to lose?’ Zack makes a good point.  
  
Of course, that’s also when he goes home to feed his neighbor’s dog because her dog sitter cancelled, and says he’ll meet them back here in the morning. That night, Sarah pumps up the air mattress in the living room and grabs a couple spare blankets.   
‘You’ll have to share unless one of you wants the couch.’   
‘The backbreaker? No thanks, I’m ok sharing with Spencer.’ Linda knows from experience how much sleeping on that couch sucks.   
‘Yeah, it’ll be fine.’ They stay up talking ‘til the early hours, only waking up later on when Zack arrives and knocks like a swat team.   
‘Is he always that…awake this early?’   
‘If he’s out of the house, yeah.’ Spencer explains. ‘But we usually try to keep him on a leash.’ They’ve been awake two seconds and he’s already made her smile. He tries not to be too happy about it just yet.   
  
He gets her in line for Space Mountain while Sarah, Zack, and Brendon go in search of lunch.   
‘So, you don’t think it’s weird? Like, the four of us?’  
‘I kind of just think of it as more love. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Plus, you know, I’ve seen Big Love.’ Spencer pulls an unreadable face. Thanks to that show, cult-like compounds shrouded in religion remain the popular belief about their lifestyle. ‘It’s an HBO show…Mormon polygamists, the guy has three wives? No?’   
‘It’s pretty much required viewing, but we “pliggy’s” do it differently these days.’ He air quotes and shrugs, and a woman in front of them turns to glare at them. They drop their voices.   
‘You know, you’re pretty funny, for an uptight polygamist.’   
‘You’re pretty laidback for a monogamist.’ That earns him another smile and he thinks he hears angels singing.  
  
The line moves, and the woman who glared at them drags her kid by the wrist, pushes him in front of her as if to keep him far away from Spencer and Linda.   
‘So, can I ask a question?’   
‘You can ask whatever you like. I don’t know if I’ll answer…’ She nodded. That was fair.   
‘Most of us have enough trouble finding one person to spend our lives with. How on earth did you find three?’ The woman gives them another dirty look, so Spencer whispers.   
‘Luck, mostly. Sometimes they find you, sometimes you find them. Sometimes, Pe-your boss calls them up to hire them as a babysitter and it takes two years for them to notice you’re alive.’ He almost mentions Pete by name and all they need is for ‘judgy, vaguely disgusted woman’ to work out who he is and go to the press. No thank you.   
‘So that’s Za-uh, the scary one?’ Clearly, great minds think alike.   
‘Yeah, that’s him, and B was in my band back in high school. He found Sarah and brought her to us. I’m sure you’ve heard the rest.’   
‘Yeah, she loves you a lot.’ She smiles at him again, and if he’d ever had doubts about Sarah’s feelings for him, that would have completely obliterated them. Linda’s one of the most genuine people he’s ever met.   
  
That evening as they’re going their separate ways, Spencer goes for a hug and then kicks himself the minute he gets home, texting her ‘I should have gone for the kiss, shouldn’t I?’ He’s pleasantly surprised when Linda texts back within the hour.   
‘Yeah, but that’s okay. You can make it up to me ;) Coffee?’ He knows a cute little Cuban place not far from where she works. The coffee is great, and there’s intimate little corners where they can hide away and be (mostly) alone.   
‘I know just the place. But we’re back at work in 2 days ): ’   
‘I’m free tomorrow. Is that too forward?’ His fingers can’t work fast enough as he types.   
‘How’s 4 o’clock?’  
  
4 o’clock is great. Until it’s after 2 when Spencer crawls out of bed and he’s flipping out because he’s got an honest-to-god date in less than two hours and he doesn’t know what to wear. He grabs a few items of clothing and a couple of pairs of shoes, throws them on the back seat and drives over to Brendon’s.   
‘Dude. You have to help me. I’m seeing her at 4 and I don’t know what to wear.’ Brendon pushes him towards the shower and picks out Spencer’s outfit while he’s in there.  
  
He emerges, teeth brushed and hair gelled, a towel wrapped around him.   
‘Wear these, this, and those.’ B’s chosen dark blue jeans, nice black sneakers and a black button down. ‘It’s coffee, right?’ Spencer nods.   
‘Roll the sleeves up.’ Sarah says, ‘More casual that way.’  
‘Got it.’ He retreats to the bathroom to dress and Brendon lends him a belt. It’s the one thing he forgot to bring.   
‘Don’t be nervous, Spence,’ Sarah reassures him, ‘she already likes you, okay?’   
‘You got everything? Wallet, keys, cell phone, condom?’ Spencer gives Brendon a Look.   
‘Alright, well, I guess you won’t need that last one. You got everything?’ Spencer pats his pockets, and nods. ‘Good. Go get ‘em tiger.’ Brendon smiles and smacks him on the butt, ‘We’ll be here, having lots of ‘last night before tour’ sex, so, don’t come home.’ He pecks Spence on the cheek. Spencer thinks it’s nice how any one of their places could be home. He turns to Sarah.   
‘She’s your best friend, you really don’t mind?’ She tries to look serious but fails quickly.   
‘Don’t make me chase you out of here-go!’ He looks at the clock and yeah, he’s about to be late.  
  
They’ve been sitting by the window letting the breeze wash over them for at least an hour when his curiosity gets the better of him.   
‘So, my turn to ask. How are you so cool with this? Dating a guy with two boyfriends and a girlfriend already?’   
‘Honestly, I talked to Sarah when you messaged last night. I wanted to be sure she was okay with it first before I made moves on her boyfriend. I mean, I figured with the polyamory that you might be more open, but I’ve never actually dated someone attached before. I don’t know what the rules are.’   
‘None of us do. We sort of just go with it. We’ll have a decent chunk of time off after the summer if you maybe wanted to do this some more and see what that means?’   
‘Yeah. I’d like that.’   
  
So they text and call until September. By then, they’d had so many chats with the phone on speaker and skype calls with Brendon and Zack on the bus and Sarah patched in that she’s sort of become one of them. It’s very easy to slip into a comfortable relationship with her once Spencer sees her again in the flesh and gets over the nerves a second time. It’s too soon when it’s time to go to Russia, and by the night of the tour wrap/sending off Ian party, he and Zack are beginning to miss her.   
  
They sit at a table with a laptop open and skype her. It’s great until some drunk tech of theirs walks past and makes a lewd comment, and for some completely inexplicable reason, Zack wants to stand up and rip the guys throat out for it. He’s not really the violent type.   
‘Dude, ignore him. Just a drunk douchebag who won’t even remember in the morning. Let it go.’ Spencer tugs on his arm until he sits back down.   
‘Yeah, right. I think the lack of sleep is finally starting to get to me.’ That doesn’t stop him slinking off to go find Sarah when he sees her walk in about 20 minutes later.   
  
‘What’s up with you?’ She really doesn’t pull her punches.   
‘Some asshole made a comment about Linda and I was ready to rip his throat out.’ She takes him into the hall where they can still feel the bass but at least they can hear themselves think.   
‘What was it?’ He tells her, though he doesn’t like to repeat it. ‘Ok, that’s bad, but it’s not worth going to jail for.’ He politely disagrees. Linda is a kind, gentle person and no one’s going to disrespect her like that in front of him.   
‘I’m not this violent, angry motherfucker, Sarah. What the hell is wrong with me?’ She opens her mouth, then closes it shaking her head. ‘What?’   
‘Well, if I didn’t know any better…’ She stops herself again. She’s probably being ridiculous.   
‘What?’ He’s getting pissed off now. ‘Just tell me.’  
‘Dude, I’m pretty sure you’re in love with her. That’s how I felt about you.’   
‘Oh.’ There’s a beat, then ‘Ok.’   
  


Falling in love had never been the type of thing to hit Zack like a train, but he thinks if it was ever a surprise to him, it’s now. He wasn’t sure when exactly this happened. Maybe sometime over one of the breaks, or maybe 2am on the bus sometime when everyone else had gone to bed and it was just them on Skype. He’s anxious to get home and work out what it means, but they get delayed for 24 hours and he has to entertain himself with pranking the sleeping crew members and posting it on the web.  
  
It’s a week after they get home and the bills have been paid, the laundry done, groceries bought and the sleep debt recovered before he asks Brendon how long he thinks he’s been in love with Linda. They’re post-orgasm and naked under the sheets. Brendon turns in his arms.   
‘Oh, that.’ He says it like it isn’t news to him. ‘I was kind of enjoying your ‘falling in love’ face.’   
‘Does Spencer know?’   
‘He told me the night you told her to lock her doors because he wouldn’t be there, and she told you that she’s used to living alone when he’s on tour.’ She and Spencer had moved in pretty quickly. They’d each been looking for a roommate when they found each other.   
‘Oh.’ That actually clears a lot up. Now, what was he going to do about it?   
  
A big, fat nothing. He made absolutely no move to do anything, and so far that was working for him. Until Spencer and Linda threw a rager of a party for Sarah and Brendon’s engagement and Sarah, Brendon and Zack all forgot who was supposed to be designated driver and drank just a little too much to drive. Not wanting to cough up the cab fare through LA at this time of night on a weekend (peak pricing was a bitch), they slept on the living room floor. In the morning, Zack left first. They were all sitting at the breakfast bar (apart from Zack, he doesn’t do breakfast. He does coffee, and usually lots of it…apparently not that day though, judging by the empty pot), and they looked so cute all sleep-mussed and hung over, so maybe he was distracted kissing them goodbye. Sarah, Brendon, Spencer, Linda. He pulled back, realizing he’d kissed her on the mouth, too, when he’d usually go for the cheek. He thinks he’s gotten away without someone drawing attention to it when Brendon snickers and Spencer smacks him for being a dick.   
  
‘Quiet, you two, I want to see how he’s going to get out of this.’ Sarah hushes.   
‘There’s nothing to get out of.’ Linda supplies.   
‘There’s not?’ A girl once slapped him for less.   
‘Nah. You’re tired and un-caffeinated. You have an excuse.’ She smiles at him and he almost melts. ‘Walk you to the door?’ He nods and she does. They can practically here Sarah, Brendon and Spencer straining to hear what’s being said.   
‘We should definitely talk, but uh, later, when the three-ring circus isn’t around. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, they’re great, but…’ Linda trails off.   
‘They can be a bit much sometimes?’  
‘Yeah. Kind of like, it’s their world and you’re just standing in it.’ Zack chuckles.  
‘I know the feeling. Later then?’  
‘For sure.’ She kisses him on the cheek and sends him on his way.   
  
They talk and decide to keep it on the down low for a while until they’re sure it’s what they want. Zack is, but Linda reminds him she’s new to this poly thing and while Spencer has 3 partners, he’s the only one that’s hers. She’s never had more than one before. It’s a couple of months by the time they’re ready to come out to the others, and Sarah tells them she already knows. Spencer and Brendon agree that it’s obvious and they’re happy for them.   
  
The rest, as they say, is history.

 


End file.
